


Louder Than Words

by soubae97



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Gen, I'll add to the tags as it comes along, Jean adjusting to life outside the walls for the first time ever, Jean has hallucinations in later chapters, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Violence, there will be lots of angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-13
Updated: 2016-04-04
Packaged: 2018-04-20 15:50:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 6,893
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4793414
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soubae97/pseuds/soubae97
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>With the titans defeated and the world slowly coming to normality, Jean Kirstein is forced to start adjusting to a life without walls.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first multichapter fic so updates might come slowly. Also, if any relationships pop up, I will add them in. Cross my heart.

Jean Kirstein was used to death more then he liked to admit. He, in fact, was not surprised to hear about another death, even it happened right in front of him.

Like they all did.

The years he spent in the Survey Corps taught him how to blind side death, not looking twice or feeling grief. The one person he lost who he came to care about the most he silently grieved for every day but never let it show. He knew if he did it might make him slow or awkward.

He refused to let both happen. He needed to be on top of his game, better then his classmates. Especially.....Jaeger. Over the years they slowly came to an amicable agreement to let any tension not affect their performance or their teamwork on the field. There were fights in the bunker but they had lessened as they grew older. Now at the age of eighteen, the remaining troops of 104 were trying to rebuild their lives after they overcame the titan invasions. The last remaining titans were captured as specimens, much to Hanji Zoe's elation. 

The pin they built for the last five titans they had captured were made of reinforced steel and they were pinned down using many ropes and other things that seemed to keep the titans still.

Also being only 5 meters helped plenty and Hanji slept outside with them, annoying their squad captain, Levi, greatly.   
"The smell of titan on her makes me puke." Not surprising to the others since Levi seemed to be built from cleaning products.  
But to Jean, cleaning up other matters made HIM feel like puking. So many dead bodies and so little place to bury them. He looked around him, still seeing at least fifty left to bury. Then there was the matter of the huge crystallized vomit balls the titans regurgitated. Seeing all those bodies inside those....things caused disturbance between his classmates.

Not Jean though. Jean had managed to take on Levi's stony expressions when dealing with those things. Ignoring as many familiar faces as he could, he set a cover over it, wiping sweat from his forehead.

"Is that the last of them?" His fellow cadet, Armin Arlert, stared mournfully around him, quietly inquiring of the progress.  
Jean nodded, whispering, "Yeh." He took a step back, staring at the grotesque things, lined up. He was glad that Levi had decided to cover them as much as they could manage. He didn't know if he could sleep with being able to see them. 

Armin walked around one, blankly looking at them," Did you know-"

Jean threw the last tarp down, walking away," Shut up, Armin. I really don't want to talk about the....the people in there." He wanted to get inside as quickly as possible, get food or a drink or something. He dearly wished he could drink something more then tea or milk or something. SOMETHING. He didn't care what it would be as long as it had alcohol in it. 

He sat at the table, daydreaming about many alcholic drinks he could down right now: Vodka; Gin; Whiskey; anything.   
"Thinking about drinking again I see." Jean jumped, staring at Reiner, who had to at least grown six sizes the last time he saw him. 

Jean let his head drop, hiding it in his arms," I don't think I can last two more seconds messing with those FUCKING things, Reiner. I-I close my eyes and I see those disgusting shit things. I NEED to either turn off my brain the rest of the day or something." He looked up at Reiner, laughing crazily," Do you know what it's like seeing those things when you close your eyes. BLEGH." 

Reiner patted his back, nearly pushing Jean into the table," It'll be ok, Jean. It looks like they're almost done and then we can forget about all this. At least Commander Levi has decided to cover them with tarps."

Jean looked up, crazed smile still on his face," That doesn't hide the fact that they're still OUT THERE!" He couldn't stand talking about that crap anymore. He was still getting used to talk to Reiner normally again. When it was found out that he and a couple others were responsible for the destruction of the Walls, everyone turned their backs on them. When the titans were defeated, the three shifters repented and were given some therapy to help their....issues. Now back in the world again, everyone slowly forgave them.  
Except Eren. Eren was still angry but he mostly held it in him. Like a lot of things.

Dropping down onto his bunk, Jean let out a heavy sigh, burying his face in his pillow. He was glad that the titans were gone but he wasn't glad that it cost a lot of lives.   
Especially one life that he'll never get back. 

"No, Kirstein, don't go back down that road. You upheld your promise to him and that's all that matters. No thinking about him at all." Biting back the tears that were threatening to spill, he decided he needed fresh air and fast. He couldn't wait to get out of that wall and take the first steps outside. 

But first he needed to breathe. Between the time he got up to the steps he took, he seemed to forget how to breathe. Clutching his chest, he figured it was because he felt so strung out that his body was definitely on overdrive but the more he tried to breathe, the harder it became. It felt like someone was sitting on his chest, a heavy weight that he couldn't get off. His knees gave out and he fell to the ground, grasping at his shirt, trying to yank it off.

It was too hot. It was far too hot. Every thing was spinning and hot and he couldn't breathe and-

"Jean! Jean are you ok!!" He knew that voice. He reached out for the voice, hand in his," Jean! Say something! I'll go get the-"  
"no....no....s-stay. Stay." He lay there, staring blankly at the ground, watching as sweat droplets fell one by one, his face wet with tears and sweat. His brain felt foggy, his entire body hurt. He clutched the hand, the comfort helping a bit.

Sasha clutched back, worry in her voice," are...you ok?"

Jean pushed himself up slowly, shaky nods," I...I just need to get....I just need a second." Sasha stayed put, looking out towards the scene outside. The quiet was something she had to get used to but it was a welcome. As she helped Jean get to his knees when he was ready, she stayed with him until she was certain things were ok. 

Grateful and the weight finally gone, he crawled into bed, clutching his pillow . He was ready for a life outside the walls.  
He was ready  
He was....  
He wasn't ready


	2. Chapter 2

Jean slept poorly that night. After the events of yesterday, he was frightened of falling asleep. He was suspicious that whatever caused it had to do with the stress he was under. He needed a break, to get outside, to be out in actual air. So, that morning, while fighting the urge to sleep more then he should, he asked Armin if he wanted to tag along. Not that he really needed the company but better safe then sorry. This was the first time that any of them were allowed to go unsupervised out in the wild and it was still a bit nervewrecking. Even tho there were no more titans, it still set them on edge.

That and the 3DMG gear was locked up since it was deemed unnecessary to carry now. The temptation to grab it was still strong in them all but it was important to wean themselves off from it. So, that morning, Armin and him packed food and drinks and a map and set out to explore some nature. 

Armin, staring at the map to choose the best path, eyed Jean," You look like hell." 

Jean scoffed, yawning," didn't....sleep good."

Armin noddded," Sasha told me that you had some sort of attack last night. Every thing ok?"

Snorting, he adjusted his pack, grabbing his water," Well the fact that I thought was dying, I'm fine." Armin wouldn't admit he was worried but he was. They all were. The fact that soon they would head back home, to rebuild the towns and finally get rid of the walls was overwhelming. Everyone would have to start their own lives. 

It was terrifying.

"D...do you think we'll all be ok? When we leave?" 

Jean stopped, staring around him, setting his pack down," Maybe. The fact that we have few skills on how to live without worry about being eaten or titans breaking in or how to really have proper life skills, yeh we'll be fine." He took a drink, looking at Armin," Still going to go explore the world?"

He chuckled, staring at the map," I still want to yeh. I haven't given up that dream, but I kind of want to bring Eren and Mikasa along. I think it's only right."

Jean gave him a pout," Not me too?"

Armin snickered, elbowing him," I'll think about it." They both laughed, actual, real laughs. Jean felt better, alive. He couldn't believe he was out in the open like this, no worries about anything. He spent all his life wanting to sit in a cushy office, not worrying about anything and here he was, out side, sitting against a tree, not worrying about anything. He felt a tug of guilt, taking a deep breath. He wasn't admitting he was wrong but maybe Armin had a good idea about this exploring thing. 

Maybe Jean needed to broaden his horizons a bit: see the world....see things he had never seen. Not just be stuck inside all the time.   
Maybe he could bring M-

That killed the mood. Jean clutched his shirt, trying to calm his sudden pounding heart. Armin looked over, concern covering his face.

"Jean? Is it happening again?" 

Jean couldn't stop it this time. It came flooding out of him like water through a broken dam. He fall face forward, sobs wrecking his already exhausted body. He knew in the back of his head he needed this grief to come out but he wanted to hold it in a bit longer. 

Armin wasn't sure what to do so he did the only thing he could think of. He wrapped an arm around his friend and just stayed like that.

"You're thinking about Marco aren't you?" Jean couldn't answer but the angry sobs was all the answer Armin needed," It's ok. I won't say anything."  
Jean looked up at him, a weak smile through his tear stained face," Y-You're a good friend, Armin." Armin smiled, still holding onto Jean. A heavy heart is a heavy weight to carry.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's getting closer to them leaving......  
> Much too close

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAYY THIRD CHAPTER  
> wooo wooo

" Why do we have to go out gathering stupid wood for stupid fires for a long stupid time?" Jean repeated for the umpteenth time since him and Eren went out hunting for firewood. Eren tolerably listened to Jean rant about having to do this "stupid thing" for at least fifteen minutes and his patience was wearing thin. 

He grabbed another stick," Jean, if you're that annoyed with doing this, then why did you even volunteer?"

Jean stopped, gritting his teeth," Cause I THOUGHT I would be going alone but Captain Levi and Commander Erwin just HAD to have you tag along."

Eren walked past him, grabbing two more sticks," Maybe they thought we needed to bond." He gave him a sarcastic grin and continued walking. Jean admitted that he and Eren hadn't really talked much, even after all the events that went on but he still didn't really care much for him. Eren was still loud; still rude; still ridiculous but he had kept to himself a lot. 

Jean halted in his tracks, muttering," Bonding my ass. " He almost threw a stick at Eren's head but avoided it. He wanted to avoid more trouble. He also noticed Eren hadn't moved either," What is it now?"

Eren was just staring around him," It just feels so strange to be out here and not having to run or kill anything. We're just out here in the woods, by ourselves, no danger around us."

Jean snorted," Except y- OW." Eren still had quite the punch as Jean rubbed his arm. He was right tho: it was nice. Then he shuddered.  
"Ew....we're bonding."

Eren grinned, nudging him," Told you." Jean felt himself smile a real smile at Eren. He had never given Eren any smiles. He had no reason but honestly he felt this was a good time as any. They were out in the open freely with no danger around.

Except Eren being a smart ass. Jean always felt that was a danger. 

Then he had to go and open his mouth again," Commander Erwin says we might go home in a couple of days." 

Jean almost threw his sticks down," Home? Home WHERE??"

He could see Eren flinch a little," Well....back to Trost." Jean stormed off, heart pounding. He didn't have a home. NO ONE had a home. He had his mom but he hadn't seen her in forever. No home......none.

He didn't want to build a home by himself anyway.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Why does everyone but their nose in Jean's business?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> nearly two months later, here's the fourth chapter

"Marco!!! MARCO!!!!!" Jean wandered aimlessly around the giant trees, trying with every fiber of his body to find his friend. He was running out of light and soon it would be more dangerous to be out in the open like this. He HAD to find Marco. Why did they decide to go their sepearte ways??? It was a mistake and one he wish he hadn't suggested. He had to find him. 

Running faster, as if racing the falling daylight, he yelled louder, a stupid decision but how else was he supposed to find him. Why was he running though? Using his 3DMG, he flung from tree to tree, keeping an eye out. Finally he spotted someone. He dropped to the ground, slowly walking over to the person.  
He reached out, hand shaking," M-Marco?" The person stood still, head down, cloak covering his body," Is....is that you?" He put a hand on the person's right shoulder, only feeling....nothing?

Turning around, he fell to the ground, an actual half of a person walking toward him. He wasn't seeing things. He wasn't seeing things. The person reached out, falling and crawling to him," Jean....you came to save me. Jean. Jean you came."

Jean backed away, whimpering, sweating. This wasn't how it was supposed to be! He had to run. He had to get away.

"Jean, come on. Jean come back. Jean wake up." Why was Marco telling him to wake up? What was going on? 

"Jean wake up! It's time to get ready. It's the day we all leave." Jean yelled and fell, tangled in his sheets, off the bed. He stared up at Armin, who was already dressed.

"Armin?"

Armin bent down, helping him untangle his graceful self from his bed sheets," Did you have another nightmare again?" Throwing his covers off, Jean refused to answer, tired of having to wake up exhausted. This had to end soon or he was going to actually go crazy. Was he already crazy? He couldn't tell anymore.

"Just let it go, Armin, I have to get ready." Armin hesistated then left. Snatching his clothes, he dressed as slow as he could. Where was he thinking he was going to go after this? Nobody really had a home. Sure his mom would welcome him back but was his mom still alive? Feeling an ache in his chest, he brushed it off and left. Time to get this stupid thing over with.

Only he didn't make it that far. Mikasa walked in, holding something in her hand," Commander Erwin wants to see you." Handing him the envelope, Jean read through the official note. Almost throwing it back at her, he stormed off to the commander's, ready to chew him out.

Storming in, he slammed the door," Why am I being called in?? And if this is about my "problems", you can shove it up your-"

Erwin held a hand up, halting Jean's rant,"I called you here because Armin came to me worried."

Confusion swept Jean's face,"Why is he butting into what doesn't concern him? It's none of his business." 

Erwin stood up, walking up to him,"You've been having nightmares he told me and panic attacks. Does this have anything to do with Marco's death?" Jean felt like he had been slapped in the face. Part of him felt violated and part of him felt like punching Erwin in the face. How dare Armin stick his nose in his business! How dare he go and tattle on Jean like this! How dare-

"You won't be going back to Trost alone. I am actually going to have Armin accompany you. We all care about you, Jean, and want you to feel safe." Jean stared at him, shocked, angry and ready to break apart the room. Instead, he pulled away and stormed out, trying to avoid an escalation. 

"Jean?" Great, the one other person he didn't want to see. Three people he didn't want to see and one had to be there. Jean continued walking, hurriedly running to the barracks to get his crap and get out of there," JEAN! I know you're angry at me but I did it for your own good!"

"My OWN GOOD? You went and tattled to Erwin about my "issues". I don't have any issues, Armin! I just need to get the fuck out of here." 

"YOU WERE YELLING MARCO'S NAME IN YOUR SLEEP." Stalling his hand on the door knob, he swallowed the sudden lump in his throat. Armin wasn't wrong. People had been whispering about it, staring at him. 

He slumped onto the steps, he ran his hands through his hair,"The stares I get speaks volumes, Armin. I know I do but I don't know what blabbing about me to the commander will do? Take away my nightmares? Make things ok?"

Armin sat by him, smiling," No it won't do all and no it won't cure you but don't you think having someone to be there will help?" Staring at the hopeful look in Armin's eyes, Jean did admit a sudden calmness in his heart. Maybe there was something to this....

"Ok..ok fine. I'll tell him to let you come along with me. Just....don't get TOO cozy." 

Armin jumped up, wrapping an arm around his shoulder,"You say that NOW." Curse Armin and his sudden growth spurt that had him reaching his shoulders.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jean sneaks out  
> It doesn't work

"If I just quietly pack all my stuff up, I can get out of here ." Another round of insomnia and the quiet sounds of snoring, (plus a few added murmurs and giggling thanks to Ymir and Krista), made for a very sleepless night-yet again-for Jean. The words he told to Armin were still waging a battle in his head as he replayed the decision over and over.  
What was he thinking? Why did he need company with him? He was perfectly fine! Of course he had a few moments of anxiety and flashbacks that will haunt him forever but besides that, he was perfectly fine! 

Haughtily grabbing his pillow and turning his back on said Armin, he sighed, conflict and frustration being taken out on his covers. He didn't need a babysitter. He didn't need anybody. 

"That's it....I'm leaving. Erwin can shove it. " Thanking himself for remembering he already packed, he tip toed out and booked it. Running as fast he could to get as far as he could, he kept looking back, the knowledge that someone could have heard eating at him. He didn't need anybody but himself. He would recover from this just fine with time.  
Stopping as soon as he couldn't see the building, he dropped to the ground, grabbing his water bottle. The sudden sound of his stomach growling startled him. Cursing himself for not packing food, he looked in the direction of the building, tempted to go back, but no. 

"I am never going back." Repeating that to himself several times, he ignored the hunger pangs, still whispering the phrase under his breath. He was not going to give in to a simple thing like hunger. He was finally free and it felt GOOD.

Tho....after awhile food was such a nice thought. The thought of meat and soups and drinks was starting to make Jean's head fuzzy.  
Or was that just cause he hadn't eaten? Scrambling around, trying to figure out what would not poison him and what would make him sated. Digging through his pack, he spotted what looked like a wrapped package and pulled it out. Armin must have snuck it in there god knows why. Opening it and relieved for real life food, he ate the gift from Armin and sighed happily. 

"Mmm...thank you, Armin for o-" Lowering the apple, he looked off in the distance. He could have swore he heard his name. Could it be....couldn't- "JEAN!!!!!" Eyes widening, ignoring his food and taking off as fast he could, he ran straight, heart pounding loud. Who could have-

Sasha. 

"Damn HER!" running fast, he dared to look behind him, regretting it immediately. There was Armin, 3DMG gear on his body and flying toward him.

"Jean wait up! Why are you running off by yourself. Everyone is looking for you!" Dropping down in front of him, he stared at Jean in confusion and worry.

"Armin, go back NOW. I don't need to be escorted home by you." 

Armin cocked his head, eyebrows furrowed," YOU told ME that I could go with you. YOU told me it was all right." Getting closer to Jean, he poked his chest," YOU aren't being-"  
Jean smacked his hand away, turning around angrily and storming off," Fuck off, Armin I don't need a babysitter!" Armin, feeling sick of Jean's shit at a very high level, ran after him.

"After everything you've been through and every single moment of me helping you through nightmares and panic attacks and-OW!" Rubbing his lower jaw, he stared at Jean, who was pulling his fist back," What the HELL, Jean!"

Jean, still walking, scoffed," You wouldn't shut-OOF." Falling to the ground, Armin on top of him, pinning his arms down. Why was everyone intent on keeping Jean pinned to their god damn side?

"Get off me, Armin."

"No, you're staying here until you agree to let me go with you."

"GET OFF ME, ARMIN."

"Nope." 

"...Fine." Bucking up, and pushing Armin off, he shoved him back into a tree, Armin landing with a sick thud. Making sure nothing was broken, Armin, letting out a yell, tackled Jean again, Jean angrily yelling and cursing at him, both trying to land punches in, with Jean landing a rather hard punch right on Armin's nose.

Covering his injury, he stared at Jean through watery eyes, panting,"I don't care if you're taking your anger out on me, just do something besides running away like you ALWAYS DO." Feeling his body go numb, the weight hitting him like a ton of bricks, Jean stared at Armin. Leaning against a tree, he shook his head, feeling guilt and doubt go through his mind, realizing something finally.

"You're right...."  
"Huh?" Armin responded, head tilted back to stem the bleeding.

Jean slumped down, rubbing his eyes,"I WAS running away. It's what I do: I run away from things because they hurt." He sniffled, staring at Armin,"I miss him, Armin. I miss him a lot. I keep seeing that smile after he told me he believed in me." Feeling the weight of everything come crashing through him, he just sat there, staring at Armin, sinking down a bit.  
"Sorry for punching you."

Armin chuckled, lowering his head slowly,"If it helped I don't mind."

Jean smirked," But you have such a cute nose." 

Rolling his eyes, he threw some leaves at Jean, snorting,"Shut up." He held his hand out, Jean taking it and standing up,"Are....you going to let me come with you now?"  
Jean sighed, hesitating then nodding, "Might as well. You might do me some good. Besides, I'm tired of being with my own thoughts." Nodding at the gear, he gave Armin a smile. "Gonna take me back with that?"

Armin scoffed," Are you kidding me? YOU'RE taking me back in that thing." Jean stared at him, a small smile playing on his lips.

"It's been awhile....hope I don't drop you." Winking he strapped the old friend back on, a warmth going through him. Might feel good to fly for a bit.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The 104 are finally sent off with everyone going their own way. Jean feels positive for the first time about the leave

Jean woke up the next day confused: what was this feeling? This....feeling of refreshment? That's when he realized he actually slept the entire night: no nightmares or terrors or ANYTHING. Smiling to himself, he looked over at Armin, who was still out. After they had gotten back, Erwin had called them both in. Feeling like he was done for, Erwin instead told Armin he was glad he went and found Jean and that, yes, Jean shouldn't have run off; he was just glad that both of them were safe.

Anddddd not to run off anymore because that was stupid. Thanking Armin again, Jean took Armin up on his offer and they both had a long talk, Jean mostly telling Armin what he was feeling. He kept a few things to himself because being a burden was something he didn't want to become, solely using Armin as a therapist. He was worried that Armin would get annoyed at Jean constantly spilling his guts out to him but Armin appreciated it.

"You know, its better you do this then you running off. There ARE other dangers then titans out there." Everyone was gathered that afternoon to be officially sent off back into the world. The troops were given provisions and there were horses waiting for them. Jean was nervous to head back to Trost but he was ready to rebuild the life that he had longed for for a long time ago.

Armin and Jean were both talking while waiting for Erwin, Levi and Hanji to come out and officially send them off. A nice, quiet convers—

"Stopped running for once in your life, huh?" Jean rolled his eyes. Of COURSE Eren had to have one last word in before they parted ways.

"You know, Jaeger, I would retort a smart-ass comment to your little quip but I'm going to be the bigger person and just simply do this."

A few minutes of quiet and Eren poked Jean's head, ".....Yeh? I'm waiting?"

Armin snorted, shaking his head. "He's not saying anything on purpose." Rolling his head, Eren stormed off and Jean grinned. Ah, the sweet sound, of silence.

A throat clearing made them all straighten up as Erwin appeared with Levi and Hanji behind him. This was it. "Squad 104, welcome to what is to be our last meeting. All of you here have fought hard and bravely at ridding this world of the Titan threat. We have lost countless lives and many of you will continue to grieve the ones you’ve lost." Jean could have sworn the commander looked straight at him, "I promise you, returning to civilian life will not be easy. You will feel lost," Still swearing he was looking right at Jean, "You will feel unease and you will at times not feel sure where to start but I promise you: it will work out. Don't be afraid to ask for help." _Stop looking at me_ , "Good luck, trainees. We are proud of all of you." **_STOP LOOKING AT_** —

Jean felt a hand on his, breath heavy he looked at the hand, then at the owner. Slowly calming at the reassurance in Armin's eyes, Jean took a breath. Erwin was right....it was going to be ok.

 

Strapping up their horses was almost bittersweet for the 104. Many of them were going to head off with another—Mikasa and Eren; Sasha and Connie—but they all in, their hearts, admitted they were going to miss each other.

Armin especially found it difficult to part from Eren and Mikasa. All three were in tears, reassuring each other they would see each other again after everything had calmed down. Armin gave Jean a glance and nudged him at the two.

Jean shook his head and stared at his horse only to feel a small rock hit his shoulder. Annoyed, mutteringm he stared at Eren before grumbling, “See you....later."

Being nudged by Mikasa, Eren grumbled back, nodding, "Yeh yeh...see you...later and...um..good luck." Quickly nodding, both turned back and was sure to let their partners know how annoyed they were by that. 

Sarcastically patting Jean on the shoulder, they hoisted onto their horses, staring at each other, Armin smiling, "Ready?"  
Jean took a deep breath, nodding, "As ready as I'll ever be." 


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Something is stirring in Jean's mind....but he's going to do his damndest to push it away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TADAAAA

The ride to Trost was mostly quiet. Armin and Jean only said a few words to each other and the rest were spent in their own minds. Armin spent his in quiet worry for his friend, not knowing if he should ask if he was ok or not say anything. The air felt tense and several times Jean had the urge to just ride off. To where? He didn't know but it was like a pull in his chest screaming at him to just go...just GO and don't stop.

A tiny thread kept him seated tho, a thread promising healing and change. He quietly named that hope 'Armin' but that was his own little idea. Armin would never know of course.

The tiny thread and Jean decided to stop and rest in a little area with a little brook, which was convenient since their bottles were almost empty. Refilling them and handing his back, Armin fidgeted, not knowing if he should talk or just let the quiet continue to fill the air.

It surprised him a little when Jean spoke first, "Um, how much longer do you think we have till we get back?"

Armin brought out their lunches and handed Jean his, shrugging, "Maybe another day or so. Now that we don't have to worry about titans anymore, we'll get there faster." Smiling, he bit into his sandwich, feeling some contentment. Staring at Jean was like staring into someone who was a ticking timebomb. No matter how much Jean said he was ok and how much he said he was happy to be heading away to start a new life, he knew inside he would never get back the last 20 years filled with death, blood and watching everyone he loved taken away.

He would never fully be ok.

And that killed Armin. 

'Stop it, Armin, you're here to help him, as well as yourself, recover. It's going to take time.' Finishing their lunch, both boys climbed onto their horses and continued riding. 

"Hey....Armin?" Startled by Jean's voice, he eyed him, "Have you ever, uh, well, I..." A slight blush colored Jean's cheeks, a smirk playing on Armin's lips.

"Jean, are you trying to ask me if I ever liked anyone in our squad?" Still blushing hard, Jean slowly nodded, "Well....I never thought about romance because, well, we were trying to mostly live." 

Jean shrugged, riding ahead of Armin a bit, staring at a clearing approaching them, "I liked Mikasa." Smiling to himself, "She always did have great hair." 

Armin laughed, poking his shoulder, "You embarrassed the shit out of yourself with her." He laughed harder, tapping his horse to start running, Jean yelling after him. Romance was certainly the last thing on their minds but now maybe he could pursue something with a nice girl. Someone nice; caring; a huge heart and willing to help him out through tough times and to stay by him.

Watching Armin ride ahead, he felt a tiny smile grow. He was at least glad to have a friend like that in Armin. Someone who had stuck by him through his bad times and good times. Someone who’s made him laugh and-

He felt a weird tug at his stomach, like a jolt when you miss a step. He wasn't sure what it was but it was weird. And WHY did it happen when he thought of Armin? Could he-  
...Nah......don't be ridiculous.....

"Jean! What are you doing!" Brought out of his thoughts by the sound of Armin's voice, he realized he had stopped and fell behind. 

"Sorry! I....guess I got lost in thought." Racing back to join his friend, they resumed their ride. Determined to keep any weird thoughts from entering his mind, he stared straight ahead, thinking only of getting back to Trost, making up excuses as to why these intrusive thoughts were invading his mind: exhaustion; confusion (that was a given, he said to himself), no proper time to figure out what he liked. Armin did have a very effeminate quality but still. 

He was probably only likely thinking these things because Armin was helping him and encouraging him.

Right?

He needed to stop thinking.

 

Armin picked a spot in the clearing to stop for the night, Jean setting up tents and sleeping bags. Both boys opted to sleep close together so that if Jean had a night terror, Armin would be able to wake up and calm him immediately. Problem is: Jean couldn't sleep. Armin fell asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow but Jean couldn't sleep. 

Staring at the sleeping form next to him, he admitted Armin looked like a bit like a doll sleeping. His hair had grown longer through the years and his face had taken on a more manly shape but he hadn't lost those long lashes and that button nose. Leaning up on his elbow, he stared at him longer then he should have. He touched his own long face, cursing the fact that Eren was right: His face was shaped a bit like a horse’s. 

He wanted that cute button nose and those roundish cheeks that Armin kept. Reaching a hand out, he brushed a lock of hair from Armin's cheek, freezing. 

What was he DOING? Admiring....yeah he was only admiring. He also noted that Armin had definitely grown taller and that he was almost to Jean's shoulders. Lying down like this tho, he looked smaller again, his hands hugging his pillow and mouth slightly parted. 

This was ridiculous! Jean needed to sleep and stop staring at his FRIEND. Maybe-

Sometimes the troop was known to end up sleeping rather closely if someone couldn't sleep. Maybe he should try that. Slowly lifting one of Armin's up, he scooted into Armin's side, laying his head on his shoulder.

Hmmm....maybe this would work. Thanking that Armin was a heavy sleeper, Jean felt himself grow tired finally, falling asleep shortly after.

He wouldn't question why he ended up dreaming about Armin that night. Or why he felt Armin draw him closer against him.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When does a feeling for a friend turn into something more?

Sunlight hit Armin's face, warm and bright, but it felt just a tad TOO warm. Slowly opening his eyes, he stared at the bright blue sky, contentment and a feeling of safety washing through his body. This was the first time he had slept out in the open like this without fear of death. Rubbing his eyes, it took him two seconds to realize his shirt and pants were sticking heavily to him.

  
And that his body felt heavy. Why was....

Looking down his eyes widened. Sleeping soundly and soft snores heard was Jean, clinging to Armin tightly. Armin was in awe. He had never seen Jean's face this peaceful in weeks or him not sitting against a surface, hugging his knees and sweating with anxiety. Armin also realized he had to pee....badly.

  
He didn't want to wake Jean but he also didn't want to, um, have an accident. Gently scooting his butt back and slowly pushing Jean off him, he succeeded in at least not waking him up and ran behind a tree. A few questions ran through Armin's mind behind that tree: Was it him or Jean who ended up cuddling first? Why was there this strange sensation at the thought of voluntarily cuddling Jean? And why was there this reaction go through his lower region at realizing how serene Jean looked while sleeping?

What was happening to him? Finishing up and washing his hands in the water he slowly sat back down next to sleeping Jean. He had to wake him up or he would probably sleep all day. Shaking him gently, Jean slowly stirred, covering his eyes and groaning.

  
_'That was kind of cute....why did I think this? Why am I not shutting up?'_ Taking a breath, one eye peeked at him, lips slightly pouty.

  
"Why are you waking me up? I was sleeping so good. You're sadistic." Sitting up, ruffling his hair and still muttering at "evil sadistic long haired blonds", he grabbed his bag and reached in for some food.

Grabbing his own bag, Armin waved his breakfast bar at Jean, "Because the sooner you get your butt up, the sooner we can get to our goal. We're only a few hours away from Trost. I don't know about you but I'm eager to get into a real house with a working bath and no more sleeping on the ground. I've had enough of sleeping on the ground..." Trailing off at the last word, he ate quietly, the feel of golden eyes on him.

  
Eyeing Jean, who had a scrutinizing look in his eyes, he shrugged, "I know but," lowering his breakfast bar slowly, tears slowly falling, "I'm just tired, Jean, of being too acquainted with laying down on the ground. Everyone I know has been too familiar with the ground. I'm tired of being familiar to it."

Both boys were quiet for a minute, Armin sniffling pitifully and Jean awkwardly picking at the grass, not sure what to say. Armin ALWAYS knew what to say but Jean was at a loss for words. This whole comforting thing wasn't easy for him but he knew in his heart he needed to say SOMETHING.

  
"Um, you know, the ground isn't so bad when you're with a friend...alive." Screwing his face tightly, it heated up in embarrassment, kicking himself for saying something so cheesy, only to feel relief when he heard Armin chuckle.

"God, Kirschstein, you could be a motivational speaker." Scoffing at him and nudging him, Jean sighed. It felt good to be the helper for once.

  
"Well what can I say," Wrapping an arm around his friend, he grinned as big as he could, "I've always been awesome." Shoving Jean to the ground, Armin stood up, smirking. Swallowing hard, Jean gave him a nervous smile. Whenever Armin smirked, he was always up to no good.

And he wished he was so wrong this time. Stripping off his clothes, Armin yelled, "Last one in the water is eaten by a titan!" Jean couldn't move. Flashes of the small, skinny boy went through his head as he got a glimpse of the now muscled, toned adult body, feeling both awkward and hot.

  
"What is happening to me...." He needed a bath but for some reason, being naked in the water with his friend felt awkward and wrong. 'Curse these hormones' he thought silently. Slowly undressing, he walked rigidly to the water, Armin already wading through the water. Awkwardly covering himself, he stepped into the water, making sure to stay as far away from Armin as possible.

It didn't work. Watching with big eyes as Armin swam toward him, Jean backed up till he couldn't back up anymore. There was every inch of him right now, in full view, all for the world to see. He felt so insignificant next to Armin.

  
"Why are you avoiding me? We're just bathing and then we're going to go. Stop being dumb and come keep me company!" Yanking Jean from his safe-haven, the protesting boy with a pout bathed reluctantly next to Armin, making sure to keep his eyes focused on the tree in front of him.

  
"Jean....what is so fascinating about that tree?" 

Gritting his teeth, he replied, "Why don't we just hurry and finish and then go instead of inquiring about my botany interests!" Dipping his head under water and quickly finishing, he sprinted out, dressing as quickly as possible and hugging his knees.

  
The word 'why' kept playing over and over in his head. Why was being around Armin naked so awkward now? Why did he get hot every time he stared at the boy? Why was he asking these questions when the answer was right in front of him? He refused to admit it tho.

Armin could never know. Armin was already helping him and this would change everything.

  
Whining, he covered his face, sighing softly and confessing to the wind, "I think I'm attracted to Armin Arlert."

  
The wind replied by blowing a daisy at him.

  
"Shut up, wind." 


End file.
